1. HOT DOG CHAMP JOEY CHESTNUT (SEE JULY 6 BLOG) SETS HAMBURGER EATING RECORD (103 SMALL HAMBURGERS IN 8 MINUTES).
2. SPEAKING ON THE CAMPUS OF THE UNIVERSITY OF SOUTH CAROLINA, STEPHEN COLBERT PROMISES THAT IF ELECTED PRESIDENT, TO "CRUSH THE STATE OF GEORGIA".
3. ROBERT CULP (STAR OF 60'S TV SERIES "I SPY") FILES LAWSUIT CLAIMING LOS ANGELES ZOO IS MISTREATING ELEPHANTS (CLAIMS THEY ARE WITHHOLDING MEDICAL CARE AND KEEPING THEM CRAMPED IN SMALL PLACES).
4. AS A BIRTHDAY GIFT, SCARLETT JOHANSSON GIVES BOYFRIEND, RYAN REYNOLDS, ONE OF HER RECENTLY PULLED WISDOM TEETH WHICH SHE HAD SET IN GOLD.
5. BREAKUP RUMORS FLYING CONCERNING ELLEN DEGENERES AND PORTIA DE ROSSI.
6. GRAND JURY INFORMATION LEAKED: 21 Y.O. WASHINGTON STATE WOMAN CLAIMS 51 Y.O. COPPERFIELD INVITED HER TO HIS SECLUDED 150 ACRE BAHAMAS ESTATE WITH THE PROMISE OF ADVANCING HER CAREER AS A MODEL. CLAIMS SHE WAS RAPED OVER THE THE 2 DAY PERIOD.
7. LAURIE'S CHOICE (I.E. SOME "SOCIALLY RELEVANT" TOPIC): THIS WEEK IT IS SOMETHING ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT WANTING LAKE MICHIGAN WATER DIVERTED TO THE SOUTHWEST.
8. IN NILES, MICHIGAN--MAN WHO ASSAULTED FORMER FRIEND WITH PICKLES
(AND TELEPHONE) SENTENCED TO ONE YEAR PROBATION (GETS CREDIT FOR 54 DAYS SERVED IN JAIL).
9. OPRAH CUTS HILARY SWANK'S HAIR FOR CHARITY.
10 BORAT HAS BABY GIRL.
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7 comments:
Robert's concern seems very sincere
and to me its all quite crystal clear.
To Asia they should go
cuz there's one thing we all know.
Elephants in India get to drink beer.
In love & war, all is fair.
Ellen just wants to play solitaire.
"Be gone Iggy and Rossi...
You're no longer in my posse."
She's da man in this all girl affair.
NATHAN'S HOT DOGS THEN KRYSTAL
BURGERS HE TRIES,
JOEY CHESTNUT BRINGS HOME THE FIRST PRIZE.
BUT HIS WORK CAN'T BE DONE,
IS THERE A TRIPLE CROWN TO BE WON?
BRING ON THOSE MCDONALD'S FRENCH FRIES.
I WOULD TAKE THE OPPOSITE STANCE,
IN THE WILD, THEY DON'T STAND A CHANCE.
THEY DON'T DRINK RESPONSIBLY,
I'M SURE THERE'LL BE A VIDEO TO SEE,
GIVE "ELEPHANTS GONE WILD" A GLANCE.
What to give the man who has everything?
How bout your wisdom tooth set in bling?
What to make of an unwanted tooth:
Ryan, here's the awful truth--
To Scarlett, you're not but a fling
Said Copperfield: For my next trick
I will disappear my dick
But I think you'll know
The place it did go
Who doesn't love a little bit of magic?
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