Sunday, September 19, 2010

THIS FOOTBALL SUNDAY



 A PRAYER FOR THE CHICAGO BEARS

May he who blessed our forefathers Dent, McMichael, and Hampton bless our current defensive line.  May he give them the strength to force many a pass and may he give them the strength to put (name of opposing quarterback) on his ass.  May  the completions of (name of opposing quarterback) be few and his interceptions many.  May the run be stuffed and fumbles be aplenty.

Give (insert name of our quarterback) the vision to see the entire field.  Give (insert name of quarterback) the accuracy to complete many a pass.  Give our receivers the speed and wisdom to always find the open spot. And let the ball stick like glue within their hands. May our running game be strong and our yards per carry great. Allow us to have many a touchdown—be it through the air or by the ground. 

Inscribe these words upon thy goalposts.  THE KICK IS GOOD.  For the kicks of  (insert name of our placekicker) shall be accurate—be them from beyond 50 or mere extra points.  The punts of (insert name of our punter) shall be deep.  The punts of (insert name of our punter) shall find many a coffin corner.  The line shalt not allow the (insert name of opposing team) to block any Bears kick or punt.

(for away game insert the following)  Yea, as we walk through the shadow of (insert name of opposing stadium) we shall fear no evil—for we have (insert name of our quarterback).

For these we thank You, Almighty One.  May you grant us a win on this football (insert day of week).  And let us say DA BEARS.

Monday, April 12, 2010

TOPICS FOR FRIDAY APRIL 16

1.  ELIZABETH TAYLOR (NOW 78) TO WED FOR 9TH TIME--TO JASON WINTERS (ASGE 49).

2. IN INDONESIA, MAN SERVES EXTRA 3 YEARS IN PRISON DUE TO A TYPO.

3. NICHOLAS CAGE LOSES 2 PROPERTIES TO FORECLOSURE.  NO TAKERS FOR
10-11 MILLION DOLLAR MINIMUM BIDS AT AUCTION.

4. IN ONE POLL, JESSE JAMES VOTED MOST HATED MAN IN AMERICA.

5. TEXAS STADIUM IMPLODED.

6. OPRAH AND JOHN TESH WERE ROMANTICALLY LINKED.

Monday, April 5, 2010

TOPICS FOR FRIDAY APRIL 9

1. IN PORTLAND MAINE, TWO DOZEN WOMEN MARCH TOPLESS TO PROMOTE "EQUAL OPPORTUNITY PUBLIC TOPLESSNESS". 

2. TORI SPELLING CLAIMS SHE IS NOT HEADED FOR DIVORCE FROM ACTOR HUSBAND DEAN MCDERMOTT.

3. SANDRA BULLOCK REPORTEDLY IS PREPARING DIVORCE PAPERS.

4. EAGLES TRADE MCNABB TO REDSKINS.

5. DUKE WINS NCAA.

6. IN VERY LOCAL NEWS, RON'S 9 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER WINS OUR NCAA  BRACKET OFFICE POOL.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

TOPICS FOR FRIDAY APRIL 2

1. KIM KARDASHIAN AND REGGIE BUSH CALL IT QUITS.

2. SWISS STUDY SUGGESTS THAT FOR  MARRIAGE TO BE SUCCESSFUL,  WIFE SHOULD BE 27% SMARTER THAN HUSBAND.

3. IN CONNECTICUT, TWO BANK ROBBERS PHONE AHEAD FOR MONEY.

4. IN FLORIDA, MAN RECEIVES 15 YEAR SENTENCE FOR VIOLATING HIS PROBATION AFTER HE TRIED TO BREAK IN TO BROWARD COUNTY JAIL. 

5. IN TEXAS, WOMAN ACCUSED OF THROWING YEAR OLD SON INTO SUV IN AN ATTEMPT TO THWART ITS REPOSSESSION.

6. IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA, 7TH GRADE TEACH PLACED ON LEAVE AFTER SHE SHOWED UP DRUNK TO TEACH.

7. WHITE HOUSE PARTY CRASHERS, THE SALAHIS, TO BE FEATURED IN BRAVO'S "THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF DC".

8. DONNY OSMOND SLAMS LADY GAGA'S TELEPHONE VIDEO.

Monday, March 22, 2010

TOPICS FOR FRIDAY MARCH 26

1. SANDRA BULLOCK AND JESSE JAMES SPLIT.  OTHER WOMEN IS MICHELLE "BOMBSHELL" MCGEE.

2. JOGGER KILLED BY AIRPLANE.

3. SUSHI RESTAURANT WHICH WAS ACCUSED OF SERVING WHALE MEAT CLOSES.

4. KATHERINE HEIGL WARDROBE MALFUNCTION.

5. HEALTH CARE "REFORM".

6. NCAA TOURNEY (AND BUSTED BRACKETS).

Monday, March 15, 2010

TOPICS FOR FRIDAY MARCH 19

1. FORMER CHILD ACTOR COREY HAIM DIES.   MEMORABILIA SITE DONATE $20,000 TOWARDS COST OF FUNERAL.

2. NCAA BASKETBALL TOURNAMENT.

3. IN CALIFORNIA, ROBBER ROBS 11, NETS 6 DOLLARS.

4. CHARLIE SHEEN PLEADS NOT GUILTY TO  DOMESTIC ASSAULT CHARGES (ALLEGEDLY HELD KNIFE TO WIFE'S THROAT ON CHRISTMAS DAY).

5. RUNAWAY PRIUS-- FACT OR FICTION?

6. WATCH MADE FROM DINOSAUR DUNG TO SELL FOR $11,290.

7. KATE WINSLET TO SPLIT FROM HUSBAND SAM MENDES.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

TOPICS FOR FRIDAY MARCH 12

1. THE OSCARS.

2. THE BOY AND THE CONTROL TOWER.

3. BEN ROETHLISBERGER AND ANOTHER SEXUAL ASSAULT CLAIM.

4. CHELSEA CLINTON TO HAVE A JEWISH WEDDING?